University decides to admit lovebugs to boost enrollment

Emma Daniel Troy University will now allow lovebugs to enroll as students in an effort to boost enrollment numbers, the admissions office announced at a ceremony on Monday. Fifteen members of administration, a handful of students and hundreds of lovebugs signed up for the ribbon cutting, unveiling a new “Lovebug Department” in Bibb Graves Hall. “We are Alabama’s international university, and we would like to take the next step by moving across species,” the chancellor said. “Considering that so many of these brilliant creatures already live on campus, we figured that allowing them to enroll was a no-brainer.” The enrollment office added that allowing lovebugs would boost their dismal higher education rate for the creatures, which currently sits at 0 percent. Because lovebugs are not strong enough to pencil in their own test answers, the university is arranging adaptive needs services for their benefit. Administration has not yet decided if one lovebug counts as one student or two since they lock together in flight while they mate. The student services office also announced that public conduct rules would be adjusted to accommodate the lovebugs’ mating season. “Previous university policies banned public intimacy, but the administration is seeking ways to make our new students feel welcome,” said the dean of students, who handles misconduct. The lovebugs will not be eligible for meal plans or housing but are instructed to stay in the Arboretum or Janice Hawkins Park while not in class. : Columns appearing under “Meanwhile, in Sparta...” are works of fiction. Any references to real people, places or events are satirical statements that do not reflect real events.