“Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer

Maddie's Margins

I made a promise to myself when I was 13 that I would never read “Twilight” by Stephenie Meyer. Three years later, I was bored. Stuck in a reading slump, I stared blankly at my high school English teacher’s bookshelf, and my eyes fixed on a black cover, six ghastly pale teens staring back at me, and I thought, “How bad could it be?”

Ha. Ha ha ha. HAHAHAHAHA.

The two weeks in which I devoured this series were simultaneously the best and worst two weeks of my entire life. My parents were baffled. “Madie, if it’s so bad, stop reading!” I could not, in fact, stop reading; neither could I shut up about my mortal enemy, Edward Cullen, or everyone’s favorite Y/N personified, Bella Swan.

From this point on, there will be full spoilers for “Twilight” book one, so if you are blissfully unaware of the coming shenanigans and wish to remain so, I’ll see you next week.

Let’s start with a crash course on the plot of “Twilight.”

Bella moves to Forks to live with her dad, Charlie. She catches the attention of every boy except for Edward, who’s repulsed. Bella’s almost crushed by a truck, but Edward miraculously saves her. He gaslights her and oscillates between ignoring Bella and leading her on.

Bella asks family friend, Jacob, about the Cullens, and he shares some Quileute legends.

Bella suspects Edward isn’t human.

Edward saves her again, this time from assault on the streets of Port Angeles. They have dinner, and Edward admits he can read all minds except for hers and that he was stalking her; she doesn’t care. It comes out that he’s a vampire, though he no longer feeds on human blood. Bella loves him.

They start dating, and Bella meets the Cullens for vampire baseball, which is interrupted by evil vampires, including James, who wants to hunt Bella. The Cullens try to protect her, but James lures Bella out, pretending to kidnap her mom. The Cullens kill James for biting Bella, and Edward sucks out the venom, saving her from vampiredom.

Edward takes Bella to prom, and she asks to be turned into a vampire; he says no.

This took 200 words for me to describe. Stephenie Meyer makes this take 500 pages. What’s in the other 499.5 pages? That’s where she put the AUDACITY, of course.

Let’s start with Bella Swan, a blank canvas for the American tween to stamp herself onto. Bella has almost no personality, and what little she has isn’t very nice. It's good that Edward can’t read Bella’s mind, because her thoughts are mean-spirited and arrogant for no reason.

Also, she has the survival instincts of a dodo bird. Bella isn’t accident-prone, she’s an accident-magnet. You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law, now get ready for Meyer’s Law: Everything that could possibly happen to Bella must happen to Bella. But don’t worry, her vampire stalker, who thinks she’s delicious, is always there to save the day!

Speaking of Edward Cullen, am I supposed to be attracted to the 100-something-year-old trapped in the body of a really pale high-schooler? Because I don’t see the appeal of someone his age breaking into my room and watching me sleep. Yes, he sparkles and apparently has a face sculpted by Michelangelo, but I cannot look past the romanticized creep behavior, especially given the age situation, sorry.

“No, Madie, it’s okay, he’s chronologically old, sure, but he’s still mentally 17 years old, so all's well!” Dear reader, that is where you’d be wrong, because the book gives no evidence for this. Nowhere is this even implied. In fact, I believe we’re not supposed to think Edward is young, but that Bella is an old soul. Begging your pardon? Stephenie Meyer, in the unlikely event that you are reading this, please explain.

Then, there’s the parents. Charlie, largely absent from Bella’s life until just now, immediately turns Bella into a little wife upon her arrival. She cooks, cleans and even washes her father’s laundry. I know this man is capable. He’s been living alone for years! What are we doing, Charlie? And Renee, who is supposed to be Bella’s mother, instead has this child parenting her. Bella only moves to Forks in the first place so her mom can travel around with her young husband.

Carlisle and Esme, don’t think you’re off the hook either, because why are we turning teenagers into vampires? To build a happy little family? Carlisle turns four humans into vampires, and two would rather be dead. Also, why is the vampire a doctor? That just seems irresponsible.

I will say Alice is extremely interesting. In fact, every side character is infinitely more interesting than everyone’s favorite codependent couple. Another highlight is that it’s probably the best book in the series, although that doesn’t mean a lot.

So, in closing, “Twilight” isn’t good (I know, shocker). However, I think every bookworm should be forced to read it because it’s such an unhinged icon, and we should all be traumatized together.

Now, please let me think of anything besides Edward Cullen.