The Creature of the (Kind of) Campus Lagoon

He was running late, which everyone knows is absolutely the worst way to start a new job. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’drun out of tuna, so he had to pack a chicken sandwich for lunch, and he’d never been fond of land-faring lunches. Still, Kevin wanted to give the best first impression possible.  

After all, not everyone with his skillset was fortunate enough to find a job like this – a university town, retirement plan, full healthcare – and he was finally putting that degree (a major in lurking, minor in biology) to good use. Yes, as he walked down the campus sidewalk, Kevin started to think it might be a good day after all. 

Kevin stopped at his appointed location and looked around. The paperwork said this was where the lagoon was supposed to be, but it didn’t look like any lagoon he’d ever seen before. It really wasn’t a lagoon at all. More like a giant hole.  

There wasn’t even any water. How can one fulfill the job requirements of a lagoon creature without a lagoon? He couldn’tpoke his fins above the water in a suspicious way or brush against the feet of unsuspecting skinny dippers or leave ominous fish carcasses by the banks. 

“I just can’t believe this,” Kevin said to himself. He was more than surprised – he was offended. He hadn’t gotten his education and spent a year apprenticing in Scotland to be a creature of… of what? Creature of the hole? This just wouldn’t do, and Kevin decided someone was going to hear about it. 

He didn’t know exactly where to go for a problem like this, but he thought someone in Sorrell might be able to direct him. As he was walking across the quad, a gaggle of students passed him. “Hey, man!” one of them called out. “That costume is killer!” His peers nodded and praised in agreement. 

Kevin straightened his tie. He wouldn’t have really called that a costume, but he smiled in appreciation anyway. This was just the kind of environment he had been hoping for when he accepted a position in higher education. 

Sorrell was a nice building, but he didn’t like the looks he got when he entered. It was like the students had never seen a hardworking person a day in their young lives. He would have asked one of the youngsters for help, but he didn’t want to look incompetent. Really, what kind of tone would that set for the semester? 

Instead, he stopped a tall man in a suit, figuring a professor would be a better source. “Excuse me, good sir,” Kevin said. 

“Good God!” The professor exclaimed as he recoiled three steps. 

“What? What?!” Kevin asked, looking around. He didn’t see anything except the concerned faces of the students, and who knew what was up with them. “No need to be alarmed. I know I’m out of place, but there’s an issue with my office. Could you point me in the right direction?” 

“A-Adams,” the professor choked out. He pointed across the quad. “Please, just go to Adams!” 

“Most certainly will, sir! Thank you!” Kevin reached out and shook the man’s hand, which seemed to make the professor even more upset. Kevin thought it might be his first day, too. 

He was almost at the Adams Administration building when a student came out of nowhere.

By the time he saw the young woman flying by on the scooter, it was too late– Kevin’s left flipper was run over by both of her wheels. “Yow!” Kevin cried. To make matters worse, the girl on the scooter didn’t even apologize. 

Insulted and wounded, Kevin trudged into Adams. Of course, he had no idea where to go, so he just knocked on the first door he came to. A lady was inside, clacking away at her keyboard. “University admin, how can I help you?” She asked without looking up. 

“Hi. I was supposed to be starting a new position today, but I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I can’t work under these conditions.” Kevin set his briefcase on the counter. He had never been so humiliated. 

“Complaints should be filed online and will be answered formally within 90 days.” 

“Yes, but I don’t even have my employee ID yet.” 

“What’s your name?” 

“Reature. Kevin Reature.” 

“Well, Mr. Reature, I’m showing you’re assigned to the lagoon, which means you’ll need to contact the contracting company for any – oh, sweet Heaven!” The woman behind the desk broke her sentence off when she finally looked up at him. 

“Ma’am,” Kevin began, anger rising. “I’ve had a really rough start to what was supposed to be my dream job. Now, I don’t like to be this person, but I need someone to find a spot for me, or I swear, I’ll sue the pants off this university!” 

The woman swallowed hard and picked up the phone. “Just… let me call the university attorney.” Kevin listened to her side of the conversation. “A creature. For the lagoon. Yes, an actual creature. How should I know who put it in the budget? No, I don’t know what the purpose is. It’s a lagoon, why shouldn’t it have one? Okay. Yes. Hm… well, we did just get the one on the quad fixed. Alright. Yes, that’s a good plan. Thank you.” She placed the handset back down on the receiver and tried to smile. “Well, Mr. Reature, I think we’ve got a place for you here at Troy.” 

As Kevin sat in the quad fountain, he regretted not listening to his parents about the law degree more than ever before. His dream of being the Campus Lagoon Creature wasn’t wholly dashed, but it was certainly deferred. He shook his head to himself. The kids were never going to respect him now, much less fear him. Well, he thought, at least I get to keep the 401k.