That’s My Southern Truth

IT’S WAY TOO HOT IN ALABAMA

Can I take a minute of your time to introduce you to our lord and savior, cooler weather?

Man, it’s hot in the south. I can’t take it anymore.

It’s hot from March to November here. We have winter from December to February, if we’re lucky. I can easily remember several Christmases where it was 80 degrees.

Can we blame global warming? I mean, probably, but I’d rather just complain about it.

I can’t stand sweatin’. They say a southern belle don’t sweat -- she glistens --but let me tell you, I sure as shootin’ sweat like a sinner in church trying to walk around at noon in my morning clothes.

By that I mean, it’s cold enough for sweatpants in the morning, but by noon I need shorts!

I never do so much laundry all year as I do during the “fall.” I’m wearing so many layers.

It’s not economical! I’m either freezing my butt off in the morning or washing three times worth the amount of clothes I normally would.

Can we ever catch a break in central and southern Alabama? I can’t even remember the last time I saw snow, let alone a white Christmas.

I get a little jealous of northern Alabama and other states that get snow. I just want to make a snow angel or a snowman. I’d even be happy with enough snow to make a snow amoeba.

I just want a real spring and fall -- not a pre-summer and post-summer.

Maybe summers as a kid don’t seem as hot because we were young and not as susceptible to, you know, heat stroke and stuff. But man alive, I now understand why my adults never wanted to stay outside with us for very long.

I feel for the blue-collar workers that have to be out in it all day. Obviously, anyone that has to be in it knows just how miserable it is.

And when you’re hot, there ain’t nothing you can do about it. There’s only so many layers of clothes you can take off before it becomes public indecency.

Being hot even makes it hard to eat. That’s how I get my summer body; I’m just too hot to eat anything.

Cold weather food is so much better. It fills you up, warms you down to your toes and makes you want to hibernate.

Now, I’m not saying I enjoy being cold either. All those layers, man I get claustrophobic so fast. That sleeve is stuck in my coat arm, my two pairs of socks are rubbing together and all bunched in my shoe, itchy sweater -- ugh!

But at least warming up is so much easier than cooling down, at least for me. And no public indecency, which is nice. I just look like the little brother from “A Christmas Story” all bundled up with my arms stuck out.

You can’t beat cooler weather. Better food, better holidays.

Better holidays? Yes! Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.

What does summer have? Fourth of July? Yeah, ok. Cool. I can set off pyrotechnics and burn hotdogs any day of the year.

I just love the holy trinity of holidays that take place in cooler weather. I personally would call it the holy quadrity because Halloween is my absolute favorite, but I digress.

It won’t ever be cold in the south, but cooler weather is always better, and that’s my southern truth.